Thursday, November 3

{3} Thankful...

I am thankful for the voices of my children, right now playing a game together since they all 3 finished school today in record time.

Over 18 years ago, I was a newlywed living in Utah.  Shawn and I had been married for almost a year and had already been trying to have a baby.  I went in for a physical... and my world crashed in around me.  I had some complications.  Any ONE of these complications would probably not be able to prevent me from having a baby... but the combination of them did not leave my doctor very optimistic.  I was at this follow-up appointment from my physical by myself.  I did not have any indication that I was to receive sad news.  I drove home in a daze.  Shawn was in class, and it was the days before everyone had cellphones.  So I called my mom.  I sobbed.

She let me sob.  Me and my mom, too many states between us to count, no words spoken for quite some time... just me crying.  Then when complete emotional exhaustion took me over, she calmly spoke.  She reminded me of a promise I had received in a Father's Blessing many years before.  I know my very humbled, exhausted state was what allowed me to hear her, to stop my logical thinking and start thinking spiritually.  I immediately remembered the specific blessing which she was reminding me of.  I could even hear the words that were spoken to me then, a mere teenager that had simply gone to her father for a blessing about some teenage drama I was facing at the time... but then was given inspiration from a Heavenly Father that wanted my perspective at that time to be broadened... and gave me a glimpse into my future.  And so many years later, having had all the medical reasons given to me as to why I most definitely could not have children, I knew I indeed would.

Several years later we had a perfect little girl.  It was a rough pregnancy.  Many complications.  A delivery that terrified Shawn and I both.  But the beginning.

Never dreaming that we could get pregnant with out much effort and help... 1 year 2 weeks after Savannah was born, we had a baby boy.  Again, more ups and downs than I care to document here, but two children.  Miracles.  Gifts.

One hard fought for daughter, and our little 'surprise' of a son.  I had no idea what to expect for the next baby.  Cause see??  I wanted many, many more.  We had proved the doctors wrong.  Full speed ahead.

Six long years later.  We are in the Air Force.  Graduate School done!  Dental residency in California done!  Stationed in Mississippi, and only 3 hours from my family.  The dream of more children was... dare I say... gone.  We tried to be content.  We know that there is a plan and that this family of 4 must be complete.  And then I get sick.  I feel awful for days.  I decide I must go see the doctor on Monday.  But I figure out too soon why I am sick.  I have a midterm miscarriage at home.  I did not even know I was pregnant, due to the very complications that are reasons for me not being able to GET pregnant in the first place.  Shocked.  Devastated.  Painful recovery for something that I did not even have the chance to first be happy about.

But then a switch very soon afterward went off inside me.  I WAS pregnant.  It is STILL possible, I had long since assumed it wasn't.  And just a few months later... I am desperately sick again.  My neighbor and all her kids had just had the flu, I had tried to help them as much as possible.  I assumed I now had the flu.  I went in to see my doctor at the base hospital.  He ordered some tests.  Later he announces to Shawn and I that we are pregnant.  Funny part, I was feeling so desperately sick that my reaction to the news was weird because as I sat there in his office... I was very much needing to go 'get sick'.  Great news though... I am already practically into my second trimester.

And as is 'normal' for me... a 3rd and very troubling pregnancy.  Ambulance visits to the ER. Surgery at 6months pregnant.  Early labor that was thankfully haulted.  But the final result was a baby boy... cannot express the adjustment it was for me to think of our family as 5 instead of 4.  Seriously life altering.  And thankfully (I choose this word carefully) because my Heavenly Father knows me well and knows I would always want more children, complications from Ty's pregnancy and delivery made our family of perfectly FIVE absolute!  Literally because of that 'absolute' of 'no more children', my contentment with my 3 very hard fought for children was enough.  I stopped wanting, and started thanking.  My dreams of many children were released so I could grasp on to the miracle that is our family of 5.  Thankful.  The splendid voices of my children.


danakat said...

Beautiful. Inspiring. Humbling. Lovely. Joyful.
Thank you for sharing.

kmmclain said...

Thank you Dawn for sharing this. I needed to read this this morning. We have had fertility issues during our marriage, and each child has been a blessing. I need to focus more on the blessing instead of the inconvenience that their "little" voices sometimes make.