Monday, May 21

A Visit to Wit's End

I need to accept the fact that life does not halt, lighten up, or cease just so I can tackle one big issue at a time.  When I resolved that this was the year to solve the issue with my 10 year back pain... why, oh why, did I think, hope, expect that THAT issue could be my 'biggie' for the year?  Nice.  Neat.  Nope.

I know I am not alone in the phenomenon that when I have a big task to tackle, other... often equally important... issues are neglected.  It just happens.  And the fact that my back pain was my issue starting out this year, meant that naturally I was focused on ME... my appointments, my pain, my exhaustion, me, my, mine.  It was what it was.  I admit that.  Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me... largely due to that whole self-absorbed aspect of my trial of the moment... other people I adore most in this life... were struggling, unraveling, dealing (or not so much dealing) with THEIR trails and challenges.

On Saturday, April 14th IT happened...
...the camel walked through our door!
You know the one...
... with a straw on its broken back.

My surgery was scheduled for Thursday, April 19th.  I questioned on that Saturday before, while fully looking at that darn camel... did I really need to find out that my world really didn't revolve around the upcoming surgery?  Did I really need to bear the added weight of a non-perfect home/family?  Well, I guess I did.  Or more fairly stated... Shawn and I did.  Life just does not conveniently organize trials and not send multiple 'whoppers' done the life pipeline at once.  I considered for 2.2 seconds to postpone the surgery.  I wallowed for slightly longer in the pit of 'whoa is me'.  I contemplated administering massive guilt trips.  I cried.  Alot.  But by the next morning... and the fact that it was a Sabbath morning was not lost on me... I prayed.  Hard.

I stayed home from church, alone.  I was hurting physically, as always... but honestly, I stayed home to get answers.  Not the subtle, whispering kind of answers.  I LITERALLY prayed for lightning bolt answers.  The answers I knew existed, I've received them before.  The answers that are not easy, but right.  Answers that give me peace of mind for later.  Later, when the going gets real tough, but you know, KNOW, you are doing the right thing.  Cause the One that loved our children first, the One that loves them more, the One that loves them perfectly, gave me those answers.  I, with no doubt even thinking back weeks later, got THOSE answers.  grateful.

Inspired lightning bolts.  I knew the path for correction, the path of consequences, the path for absolute consistency was going to meet resistance.  Afterall, the offense was not a minor poor choice.  Ironically, or possibly not so, as often is the case... the onion had many layers.  The initial 'discoveries' of that Saturday night, later unveiled other 'chinks' in our family armor.  But I can also say, the fact that my Heavenly Father, THEIR Heavenly Father,  knew ALL the facts perfectly those hours I spent with Him... is a comfort to me, and was a calming influence.  Is there a greater word than gratitude?.

I write all this not to make the point that my children are imperfect, grin.  Afterall, they have imperfect earthly parents so how can we personally hold them to a standard we ourselves are unable to achieve... alone.  Therefore, the need of all of us for a Savior.

I write all this to remember later:  To remember that 2012 was NOT an awful year because it started out with an unusually large amount of trials and challenges.

To remember that I've always wanted to be a mom... even though I am fully aware that the purpose of a mother is to work herself out of a job.

To remember, especially as a mom, that giving is a natural instinct.  BUT that the 'NOT' giving is so very necessary too... and harder.  The 'not' fixing everything.  The 'not' taking away of consequences.  In essence, in 'not' giving, I give them more of things like responsibility, independence, righteous power, ability to put the pieces back together themselves through repentence/forgiveness.  My giving has needed to change as they get older.  I will never give up.  I will never stop loving them.  I will never stop praying for them by name.  I will never stop giving comfort.  But I do bite my lip more.  I must let some pieces fall... even crash down... where they may. 

I want to remember the talents I now posses that I did not when they were small.  In this phase of parenting, new talents I treasure.

I want to remember the big picture.

I want to remember the miracle known as coming 'FULL CIRCLE'.

I want to remember that our kids are good kids. 

I want to remember that I am an imperfect mother.   Although I'm pretty darn sure I would NEVER forget this point.

But most importantly... I want to remember, and pray that my children remember, that I never stop trying.  I seek inspiration.  I always have felt they were worth fighting for, even when the actual 'fighting' I do ,on their behalves,  involves stepping back so they can realize that their wings are fully formed.

1 comment:

mom2eight said...

so very hard and yet so ultimately very worth it.