Thinking Out Loud

Since this blog is, first and foremost, a means of journaling for me... I want to take time today to make notes of what we are facing right now so I can look back and remember this time.

I hope when each of our children grow up and look back that they remember ONE key thing about me.  This ONE thing has been my focus and my goal in motherhood... not sure they see it... but what is important is that I have always seen it.  It is my driving force some days, what has allowed me to breathe slower during days when I feel defeated and help me see things in a broader sense.

That ONE thing is, I never want to lose sight of who they truly are!  I want to always GET them, GET their real purpose here, GET that they were NOT mine first, GET that as much as I love them and want to help them... there is SOMEONE much more loving, powerful, insightful than me that KNOWS them... and I find huge comfort in that!

I pray that Shawn and I have done well in evaluating what WE think is best for the kids with the ultimate 'ruler' of what HE knows is best.  I have struggled with knowing when to implement which of two words that I find tremendously important in being a mom... flexibility and/vs. consistency.  Can they coexist?  Do I have to sacrifice one to have the other?  What I do know is that my Heavenly Father knows me too!  He knows my self doubt.  He knows the comfort I get from His reassurance of a right decision.  I'm a slow learner.  I tend to think if a decision is confirmed to me by that ever so sweet Holy Spirit... that THAT is the decision for EVER more, right?  Once an answer is given I can move fast forward and never have to revisit that topic again, right?  Wouldn't that be nice?!  I guess I have felt that to revisit an already made decision/answer would be like me questioning the truthfulness of the original answer.  And yet my recent studying and pondering have shown me that the Lord does not see it that way.  We must always be evaluating our decisions and be willing to change and grow as He deems necessary.

I have a firm testimony in the fact that no decision is too small to take to the Lord.  We put in the work.  We evaluate the options.  But in the end, we do not move forward without confirmation from Heavenly Father.

When road block after road block seemed to be cast in our path for moving to the countryhood... we I became so frustrated.  Property after property slipped away.  Then a Sunday drive resulted in us finding our farm.  Prayers answered, one of our all time biggest blessings received.  But we soon found that with some blessings come HUGE sacrifices too.  Yet, none of those sacrifices have taken away the reassurance we got and still have that we are where we are supposed to be.

One of the blessings that came with the farm, was the opportunity to finally homeschool.  Homeschooling had always been a very real option for our family.  Homeschooling was the reason I majored in Education in College.  Yet, time after time, circumstance after circumstance, confirmation never came that homeschooling was the right choice UNTIL we moved to the farm.  Again, making it a topic of prayer and fasting... we moved forward with homeschooling without an ounce of regret.  For the first time in 4 years I am having to reach outside of my capabilities as a homeschooling mom and ask for some outside help.  Hopefully this help can work hand in hand with our current program, maybe not... but as the past has taught me, there IS help out there... we just need to go find it!

A mom knows.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with decernment on my children's behalf.  In 3rd grade in public school, after teacher conferences/concerns/angst for YEARS... I found a teacher in our prior school district that LISTENED to me and my concerns for Christian.  I have never fought for anything harder in my life then to get someone to help him.  After months of testing, hours with specialist, ruling out all possible obstacles and 'labels', we knew what Christian's challenges were and we could finally help him.  We had a plan.  We had goals.  Christian was finally able to verbalize and get validation that some things WERE harder for him than other kids.  He got validation that he was smart, testing at a genius level, and he was NOT dumb, lazy, or troublesome.  With the right tools, we met our goals.  In 4 short years he had coping skills and the information to conquer his challenges... he mastered his trials with prayer and effort.

A mom knows.
I find myself in familiar waters.  As much as I KNOW that I would scratch, claw, dig to help one of my children, I also know that others are here to bless and help us.  I am not an Island.  I accept and often embrace my limitations.  Sigh.  I have done all I know to do.  I have prayed, researched, googled, counseled.  Ty and I are well aware of his current trial.  And so I find myself marching down a familiar path, thankful for the experiences of my past.  Ty, a different personality than his big brother, will be forging this path for the first time.  Yet, even though we have just started this process, he is curious and excited about it... go figure!  Just when you think you can quite accurately 'peg' your child, they wonderfully astound you.  Thankfully.

So, we have many paths to look at and many to walk... some sure to be dead ends.  But one thing Christian can assure his little brother, his mom will get answers and resolutions ;) 

My own definitions read:
Flexibility - the ability to modify and respond to altered circumstances or conditions and with the Lord's help and answers, do whatever is inspired!
Consistency - there are eternal truths that are unchanging over all periods of time.
I get it!  These two words can and do work together!

I'll end this on a very adorable note:

Ty is going through some evaluation and testing.  Tuesday he spent 6 hours in a classroom setting.   Keep in mind that Ty has not been in a school classroom since kindergarten, 4 years ago, so I was very curious how his day would go and I also knew that he would be interviewed and asked to attempt things that challenged him... the very things he struggles with.  But he was undaunted when I dropped him off.  I went back at 2pm and was very nervous.

Ty jumped in the car and talked my ear off all the way home.  Ty.  My quiet kid.  My kid that does not chat for the sake of chatting.  My NO DETAILS kid.  TALKED.MY.EARS.OFF!  I found out that lunch was pasta and it was delicious.  He played football at recess.  He played the recorder in music.  I was trying ever so hard to be patient while he got around to the MEAT of the day since he was not sent to the classroom for good food and football, grin,  Eventually he gave me some tidbits on testing work and interviews.  But then he just started grinning and dug a folded piece of paper out of his pocket... seems a gal in his class found him to be cute and announced to the class that she 'liked' Ty.  Of course Ty was mortified, or so he said with a huge grin on his face.  So for journaling purposes only (I assured him), I want to document this:

  Please note the gift of the purple eraser too.  Lizzie thought of everything.  Snicker.

Ty will be going through more testing this Saturday.  I am pleased with what we have learned so far and am thankful for the knowledge others have to offer.  Meanwhile, my boy will be coloring in his first ever 'bubbles'.  Since this homeschooled boy has never seen testing of this sort, we have been practicing the ever important proper way to color in a 'bubble', grin.